| wuthering heights |
[27 Jul 2006|10:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 stoned |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
wuthering heights - kate bush |
] |
I got stoned with someone from NA, this gingervitus guy - sorry to all pasty redheads. Then came home and did a line then rang my sponsor and couldn't stop talking about phone line connections. that was breakfast. vitamin x.
no show hannah to the party so i danced with this girl with a piercing in a place that makes cringe still thinking. No i dont know because i saw, she told me. Then i fell into the bushes and started to play out a scene in my head, dying under the stars.
I had an amusing day watching Rach paint. I told her it doesn't have to be anything just get the easal and get the colors you feel best expressing and let the brush be your emotions. Make love to the canvas.. haha. She was too conscious i was seeing it. Dunno why lately my work has gone off stream into another sexual world. Bodies and blended and colors. You wouldn't know what it was unless i explained it. I love people trying to be polite saying they like it and why. when they really dont have a flying fuck of what it is.
I braided Rach's hair she painted my nails. How girly it makes me sick. not really. Maddy made me a skirt on her sewing machine. its so tragic i made Rach wear it. Maddy has a new fascination with sewing since she got this hot pink little kids sewing machine from salvo's.
quiet.
|
|
| Magdalene Complex |
[23 Jul 2006|06:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lost |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
extraordinary machine - miss fifi apple |
] |
This week has been crazy and I had to sell some things to get a new laptop because my other one got trashed and then didn't work. I don't know where my head is really. I haven't seen Hannah in over two months and she hasn't returned calls so i feel like its an unspoken break up. I have been looking for places with a spare room. Maybe i should just go upto Armidale now, who knows. Rach is still here, she's been climbing into my bed at night to talk to me about a lot of things. Her family mostly and I dont haev much to say back. She tries to start something intimate and i stop her. I did kiss her but i was thinking about hannah. I think it was mean of me to Rach who obviously feels something between us. I don;t deny it there is, but I can't even think about that when i really don't know where i stand with Hannah and all i think about is hannah.
I am clean off drugs still but drinking, i have been going to NA meetings but nothing really inspires me there but maybe thats because it follows the catholic guidelines. Maddy is a moody bitch as usual, i think she really does feel something for Rach and it just isn't happening. I feel torn.
I looked in the local paper for places as i said before. I showed up to one and the minute they found out I was a lesbian it was either obvious no i wasn't going to work, or it was a sleazy intriguement. So im staying here for the moment. I am feeling depressed over a lot of things, my art work is dark and i am refusing to agree to the art exhibition. I don't feel ready for anything and i dont think im ready to let go of some of my work. I think im turning obsessive since i have a sketch book full of images related to Hannah.
Mom wants me to go home for a visit, she said she would pay. Where would she get the money from and why would she think i would do it. I got called a prostitute by Maddy which hurt. She knows my past better then anyone here in australia and it really felt like a knife twisted in my back. They still dabble in their drugs but im holding out and its fucking hard.
I want to know where i stand with hannah, so i can move on. I think i need to. im stuck. Apparently she went to uni for open day or something i dont know - how could i fucking know. She doesnt talk to me.
Cutting is worse because its a way from taking drugs. But tonight i tasted the coke. Didnt snort it, didn't really take any, i just licked my finger touched the coke then tasted it. Sweetness.
I just feel lost.
I got offered money for sex from some guy how disgusting is that. I was standing outside some hotel in the rain in baggy jeans and a tank top freezing my ass off and he pulled up in his car. It would have been useful..
But without him.. using "methods" i got the money for my laptop. Not as nice as my old one, but i have it. its mine and the world can fuck off if they want to judge. Saw the psychiatrist today, referral to another dietition. Weight still apparently a problem. Whatever. I like feeling this way and nobody has to feel attracted to me, yet..
i need to get her out of my head if its over. Rach- its so complicated. so so so complicated.
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|
| home bitter home |
[13 Jul 2006|06:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
heroin is so passe |
] |
i came home from clinic last night. My room is a mess, like its been ransacked. I'm exhausted and achey and i just want to climb into what i remembered as my bed and sleep. Officially discharged, medicated, under psychiatric supervision. I don't know what to say of this mess. I'm so tired, i havent seen hannah in a month pretty much. i left her calls, non returned, is it over?
im clean, but i wasnt expecting it to be this hard once i come home. one drink isnt bad, its not drugs. its not illegal.
Why is my stuff all messed up. and where is everyone?
|
|
| clinic |
[21 Jun 2006|09:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 unstable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
wuthering heights- kate bush |
] |
im home on leave from the clinic.
apparently cutting up your arms and drinking and taking drugs while going to the methadone clinic isn't such a great idea.
pff.
back tomorrow like a good little girl.
no messages for me from hannah, not a word..
fuck it
i have a blade in my sketch box
oh and to edit. they think im anorexic because of my eating. you know if i wanted to eat.. i would. but i really dont care either way..
all im thinking about is my sketch box and whats inside, drugs and a blade
|
|
| runaway run away from the pain run away away away |
[13 Jun 2006|08:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 edgy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
time after time - cindy lauper |
] |
I spent the night in emergency with a line in me since I passed out at the clinic getting my methadone. I'm malnurished they said. So now i've been assigned to a dietition - I don't see the point, i don't have an eating disorder, im a fucking addict. sorry.
I haven't seen hanna in days, I got a text message from her she's spending a couple days at her grandparents. I feel like im being avoided like im some disease that people need to hide from except the people who i don't want to be around.
"i never thought you'd be a junkie
because heroine is so passe"
I've had that song in my head for two days. Now its Janie's got a gun. I used to the payphone to call the number of my moms but she isn't there any longer. I guess she's owed money or their has been another bust and she's done a runner or she's being held. God knows. I give up guessin what she is doing or where she is.This is a woman who see's working girls as earning a legit' living. Would you ask your thirteen year old to do tricks? I guess it wasn't so bad being taken from her custody a year later. Who knows what I couldve ended up with or dying of or .. dead. but i can't judge because i have an alcohol and drug problem. But i do point some blame her way. Getting me drunk before I was even at school, letting me have a taste of her drugs while i was still in elementary. People look at me weirdly when i tell the truth about my life before i was sent to live with my grandparents like its some weird other world.
How could you know any different if its all you ever lived? So should I feel ashamed? ... yea
It's just been sparked by some guy pulling up beside when i was out walking in the cold asking if $50 would cover it? I didn't get it at first then I realised. Sad thing is, I probably would've if i didn't already have alcohol. And if i wasn't in a relationship with a girl i havent seen in days.
Am i bad horrid person? Would you be ashamed to associate with me? Maddy says I could model but im only 5'6' and im apparently 40kg but as pounds i dont know what that means, probably bad. I think Maddy will say anything for a fuck. And im so not willing anymore.
Rachel is still living here, she hasn't seemed to be looking for new accomadation and Maddy isn't pushing her to leave and i want my art studio back. Otherwise i wouldn't have chosen this shoe box bedroom if i thought i was gonna lose the big room, my very much missed studio.
It took me forever to choose a coffee at Gloria Jeans today, the girl behind the counter looked uncomfortable because i was just staring at the menu then asking what different things meant, then i'd giggle. Lovely methadone mixed with straight taquilla.
"there was dancing and moving and grooving to the music..play that funky music white boy"
Sometimes i think parts of my body disapear, irrational but i get this creepy feeling that my feet im walking on arnt my feet. its weird, i think im just drug fucked at times. But im on the methadone again. And suppose to go to groups now NA (narcotics anonomous) fuck that.
"listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye
sometimes you wonder if this fight is worth while
all the precious moments all gone lost in the tide
yeah, their swept away and nothing is what it seems
the feeling of belonging..."
sappy music - I made a random play list on my media player
manic monday - the bangles
the look - roxette
pleasure and pain - the dyvinles
heroine is so passe
I kissed a girl - jill subole
Drop dead Gorgoues - Veruca Salt
You make me feel like a whore -everclear
Janies got a gun - aerosmith
My ex-girlfriends boyfriend
U suck - the murmurs
Little Lies - fleetwood mac
Good Mornin' - You am I..
time after time
can't be fucked to type the rest out since nobody really cares.
|
|
| hanna's mom |
[12 Jun 2006|01:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
complacent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
hanna's avril cd |
] |
"how does it feel to be different from me
are we the same?
how does it feel?"
I know I need to make changes not just for those around me but for my self as well. I rang the centre I was going to for methadone but screwed up. They don't allow people to just stop taking it and then go back on etc, in that cycle. I explained that it wouldn't be like that anymore. I guess they hear that a lot. But i went and saw the psychiatrist and he said I had to talk first then he would decide about the clinic. So it was like a flood breaking through bank, i told him about growing up with mom, in and out of drug dens, living in a car etc, to being taken away by social services and stayin the institute where I was beaten up. Then about living with my very strict catholic grandparents who sent me to summer camps for people with probems, my problem was I was I am a lesbian. That i had a priest try and rid this abomination from me. How hard it all was, and about the contact with my mom again. He just listened, he wants to do a mental health evaluation to see if I have other problems. Then he signed the paper's for the methadone clinic but if i mess it up. It's over, no more coming back.
So maybe it's the methadone I don't know but i had the courage to go to hannas house, knowing she was probably at her grandparents but that wasn't who i wanted to see. Her Mom answered the door and was going to just shut it in my face but i asked her politely if she'd just wait a minute please. I handed her the painting I had done. It was only small, A4 size since I was just doing a lot of sketches of Hanna in my art diary. I turned this one into a water color. She smiled when she looked at it. She actually smiled. Then the smile was gone. She said, she'd give it to hanna when she comes home. But i told her it was for her which geez, talk about shock. Is it that shocking that I woud do something nice???
But she let me in, I was scared out of my brains, i will admitt that and she asked me if I wanted a coffee. ok, was that so she could throw steaming cofffee at me? no. She was actually being civil to me. I just sat at the small glass table, feeling so uncomfortable.
She isn't afraid to say anything, she straight out asked if i was a drug addict. I said, yes and but im on methadone. She didn't understand so i explained, i could hear my voice wavering in fear as i spoke. She sat across from me with the painting inbetween us on the table. She said without any emotion, your talented. I just said, So is your daughter. She just drank her coffee. See tough kelly isn't so tough, i was shaking as i drank the coffee. She then asked where I was from and if my mom was here in australia too. I glossed over my mom and that I was hear on a scholarship exchange student program.
She then asked if i was like Maddy, which i wasn't sure what she meant until she said, into girls. I said yes. Sip sip sip coffee to cover me from saying something stupid. Then she made me nearly choke on the drink. Are you in a relationship with my daughter. Again, one word, yes. She kept looking at the painting and said I suppose Hanna told you I was a horrible mother, (yes many times) I didnt say anything. She just kept talking about her and hanna not getting along, not having any similar interests and then that she was sick and it was not the type of daughter she was prepared for. I dont know exacty what i said, something about, People never are what you expect them to be. She gave me a funny expression and kept talking.
Here i am sitting at the table with hanna's mom waiting for her to throw something at me or yell or criticise me but all i got was this numbed voice of words about her daughter. I just listened, isn't this a weird mixture i thought. Hanna's mother talking openly to me. She then asked if i had a good relationship with my own mom. I told her a bit about her and being taken away from her. She looked uncomfortable then. I just did a nervous smile, and i think i said something about, it being ok because i've learnt how to look after myself. She then said hanna and her will never get along. But i told her, she's still here, its not too late.
Then she said she had a hair dressers appointment, so i took it as my cue to leave, she thanked me for the painting. I dont know what she's done with me now. But i don't care. As surreal and possibly stupid it was going there, i talked to her mom and i showed that i wasn't just some junkie.
I just feel weird, have I made things worse?????
But i feel a little bit better today, i've eaten something and im back on the methadone and its not so cold today. Its like the depression shifted slightly with the weather. I still don't feel very good. I still have to try so hard to stop from falling to the ground in a huge mess. And i miss hanna. I miss her so much, Im selfish i want her to share her time that she's giving to her sick grandfather. But i know thats wrong.
Maddy and Rachel appear to be together? I don't know. Its some weird, odd thing. Although Rachel keeps making suggestive remarks but whenever she does i simply ask "have you found somewhere more permenant to stay yet?"
Maybe i should move out, but i don't really want to. Not deep down. So im just typing stupid shit in this diary hoping it will pass the hours of loneliness and despair. So dramatic kelly!
I'm also thinking about that offer Mr Bridgestone said, about holding an open art work and see if anyone will buy any more of my work. I do need the money but i don't know.. i dont think i have completed my works enough yet to feel confident to hold a art show. I don't know..
I guess thats it for now.
|
|
| purple haze |
[11 Jun 2006|09:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 weird |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nobodys home -avril lavigne |
] |
Things are so twisted and hanna is with her family so i havent seen her in a couple of days. I've tried to eat even though i have no interest in food. But i look like shit. I am watching a movie called "higher education" .
I want to write something but my head is too jumbled.
Maybe i don't want to get bigger, heavier healthier. I think im just turning into a bigger mess then ever. Maybe its good hanna is too pre-occupied to help me.
I just feel lost.
|
|
| crash and burn |
[10 Jun 2006|04:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 i am the girl you cant look at |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Malibu - Hole |
] |
I rung my mom and just cried into the phone, it's a new habit. International calls just to cry into the phone then hang up. delete her emails instead of reading them. "so much to die for, you can make". Elisa hand fed me today in my room. Everyone is scared to enter the room, so dark and my lasted artworks are dark and morbid. I only leave to shower, go to the bathroom and get drugs and alcohol.
"crash and burn
all the stars explode tonight
howd you get go desperate
howd you stay alive."
I haven't attempted to contact Hanna she is busy with her family and there stuff. She thinks i need professional help. I think im past that. My lip is cut and bleeding, i hit my myself with the hardest objects i could find. Bruises starting to emerge.
"and i knew
that would tear you a part
oh and i knew
the darkest secret of you heart"
Everyone thinks im suicidal, no im too fuckig selfish for that. Im just falling a part. Memories. I just want to break my own body. Smash it into pieces, hurt it. Pieces and pieces of kelly's body. Too morbid.
I stuck a sticker on my ankle instead of a bandaid.
"i want to be the girl with the most cake"
Anybody out there...?
"someday you will ache
like i ache"
My pupils are so huge.. bruises on my body, cuts, scratches.......
i beat myself up. who is the perpertrator and who is the victum. me me me me.
WHY THE FUCK CANT PEOPLE JUST HATE ME. they just want want and want from me. they just want this body i've beaten up. thats all anyone has ever wanted. as a child, as a teen and as an adult. Its all i fucking have to offer and i dont have it to offer anymore. damaged and broken. splayed and disgraced.
whatever
|
|
| +sick+ |
[09 Jun 2006|06:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
fade - staind |
] |
Last night Hanna came by and we watched a movie she doesn't trust me yet and she shouldn't anyway. I mean, she has every reason not to trust me but i am not going to mess this up. I just am extremelly scared of my own feelings for her.
I held her hand under the bed covers while we watched the movie but it didn't go much further, we did kiss but then it was interrupted by the party and the sight of Maddy's face made Hanna inch further away from me. I feel like the worst human being on earth. And i don't know how to be a better person. She wouldn;t stay after the movie.
I spend most of today in the shower vomiting and shaking and hallucinating about my mom. I was trying not to drug or shoot up or snort coke. I was trying to get clean for hanna, she made it clear that she wants me off the stuff... It was painful, physically painful and i couldn't move off the floor. Maddy came in and she hugged me because i couldn't stop trembling and i hope it doesnt upset hanna that i did this. But it wasn't sexual. In the end i took some coke and some ritalin rach scored and I started to feel a lot better.
Hanna is busy at the moment because her grandfather is ill. I dont know with what exactly but it doesnt seem good by the way she spoke about it.
Somehow a parcel about drug dangers and psychologists and doctors who specialise it arrived, hand written by a left handed person and i only know one person with left handed writing, hanna.
I put it in the shoebox with the broken ballerina.
Everything is a mess. Myself included.
I feel isolated and sick.
|
|
| Together Again |
[08 Jun 2006|07:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lethargic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"forever young" |
] |
Hanna had a talk about getting back together and it being a "trial" she doesn't know how long it will take for her to trust me. She wants to take it slow, i don't exactly know what that means and she was very vague about coming and seeing me tonight. Maddy's got a party going on in the living room and outside, a welcome back for herself.
I shot up half an hour ago, Maddy quietly came into my room and told her that hanna was giving me a second chance and that we have to be really careful about how we look together because she may misinterpret it. She was whispering about Rach as she tied the band around my arm, i did think about stopping her but I was just laying in bed, too lethargic to move. I havent eaten in god knows. I stepped on Maddy;s scales after my shower this morning and while i don't know kilos since i know pounds im pretty sure 41 isn't good for 5'6'. I just laid as she injected it. Im out of the methadone program because i didn't turn up today. I wouldn't leave my room too depressed.
Maddy bandaged my arms up and told me that I need serious help but I should make her a laminated card and she can join the club. But i don't care. I feel so fucked up that there is no point to anything. Maddy said she really is hoping Rach and her get it on together tonight. I was half conscious listening, feeling the coldness of it go through my viens. Maddy told me that I should stay away from Rach' since Rach has a "crush" on me. As if im going anywhere near her. Or anyone.. Im staying in my room, im hiding out and all i want is hanna.
I wont fuck up again like she told me id better not. But she didn't say for sure she would turn up tonight. Im a mess. I feel so lethargic even with the drugs in my system. I feel ready to just collapse when i walk to my window to smoke out it. I am pathetic.
I hope hanna doesn't change her mind, im holding onto this to keep me together.
|
|
| "i did a bad bad thing.. i did a bad bad thing" |
[08 Jun 2006|12:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
guilty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
staind - Fade |
] |
My whole world is crumbling a part in front of my eyes and it's all my doing and part of me wants it to. I'm heading to the edge and maybe i will just jump. I wanted her to hate me for what i did, because god knows i hate me for what i did. But she wont, she wont hate but she wont forgive me. I convinced Hannah to finally come see me last night. She looked a bit startled by my room and my cut up arms but she was angry and hurt and I couldn't take it away. I tried to touch her and she would let me for a split second but then push me away. I am trash and she knows it now. I am just a dirty horrible abomination and one she wont forgive.
I didn't bother with the methadone clinic. What is the point when I don't feel like anything around me or me - myself is good or worth it. I lost someone I finally felt something real for. Something real that didn't need sex to make me feel real. I broke it off then fucked up by sleeping with Maddy and kissing Rach. Yes i am not the victum in this i am the ugly horrible bitch to the whole thing. Then I wanted her back, so yes, I was being a fuck and fucking with her head not meaning to. Because i feel so totally fucked up.
I'm not leaving my room its become a sanctuary and i cant eat or drink i feel too sick. Too sick over what i did. IF i am that malnourished like the methadone clinic said then maybe i'll just die this way. I just have lost everything with meaning. I can't cry anymore. It's stopped, the coke is in my system but it doesnt lift me up - it makes me feel worse. I feel like the pain wont ever stop.
I read an update email from my mom with a new number - i want to hate her but i cant. Maybe thats how hanna feels as horrible as people are sometimes you just cant bring yourself to hate them. I rang the number and i heard her slurry voice, drunk,smashed and god knows what else and i cried into the phone and then hung up. Nothing else. My grandparents - I can't call them.
I dont want to be in australia and I dont want to go back to the states. I just keep hurting myself, physically. I need to hurt i need to feel some other hurt and feel worse because i betrayed her and she wont forgive me. My door is locked and Maddy and Rach were yelling and banging for me to let them in. But i cant look at them, i can't even look at myself. I fucked up so badly.
I just keep hearing Hanna's words in my head:
"your twisted"
"your calculating"
"you'll die alone"
"I want to beat the shit out of you and i dont want to stop till it stop hurting"
she said im "destructive"
"you ripped my heart out"
"I guess i was watching the wrong person or did you FUCK her too"
All i want is hanna - nothing else. no one else and she wont tell me if there is even a chance. It doesn;t matter I cant look let alone touch anyone else. I'll stay here in my room. I dont know what else to do.. she's not on msn, her cell phone goes straight to messge bank and her home phone -wel her family hate me.
And the sick thing is, i did all this after i scared myself because i realised i was inlove with her. I am inlove with her.
I cant ask anything of her..
this is my price to pay..
Im just gripping on by a thread, too many memories of my childhood too many memories of all my fuck ups and i want to vomit everytime i think about what i did to hanna. Other people.. other people will fuck me and want things from me but the one person i want the world from, i destroyed every chance.
Im exactly like my mom.
"I try to breathe
Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but
The thought is too much to conceive
I only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same"
|
|
| now that its over |
[07 Jun 2006|04:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
------------------- |
] |
I am the bitch because i can see we dont work.
all i feel is like crap.. 14 cuts for the years with my mom and now more for the fuck ups with Hanna.\
She'll move on and find someone better..
yeah im horrible..
|
|
| ..over |
[07 Jun 2006|03:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
nothing |
] |
Unless she talks to me. i think its defintely over.
|
|
| "It's time to go...." |
[07 Jun 2006|02:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nothing |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"my sexual life" - everclear |
] |
I feel the cloud above me pushing harder on me, harder until I can't see through the grey rain. Methadone clinic as usual this morning, they've taken note of my hair and the darker clothes i wear. WHY? it holds no meaning? I hold no meaning.
It occured to me today that at some point in my life i may have walked past my father without knowing. Well less likely since i've been in australia but back home. I could have even asked him the time, how could i know since i've never met the man. How could I know when my mom doesnt even know. Have I seen him before? Are his eyes steel blue like mine? Does he have a dark mind? Things i'll never know. I called the number mom gave me and from the number i am guessing she's in pheonix at the moment. Some guy answered and when i asked for he said she split days ago and if I hear from her that she owes him money. Great so much for mom saying she was clean, same old story. Only i remember being involved. "just grab his wallet, your smaller just crawl over to his pants by the bed while im in bed with him" You don't really care much about the privacy side of sex when you can see your mom riding someone she doesnt know the name of while you take his wallet before you both split. But she needed drugs which costs and i needed food which ungratefully my mom said, costs too.
We once went to an open house and I hadn't eaten in days so I opened the fridge while mom was off getting whatever she was after, pretending we actually had money to buy let alone rent a house like this. And I took a tomato that was on the shelf. I felt bad about it but I didn't see the big problem then. Stealing, sex, drugs, homeless, living in a car if you no nothing different why would you question it. And if the police turned up at any bad houses we were crashing we just did a runner. They were usually after the men anyway. THey were the dealers.
Everything in my head is turning dark. I used the razor i sharpen my charcoal sticks with and cut my arm, one for every year I was with my mom. 14 red messes.
Last night wasn't eventful, Hanna did come over but it was like two seperate worlds colliding. She couldn't understand why I was so depressed but then she doesnt really know me - not really. She kissed me and started undressing me, so my head switched into somewhere else and I was just full force on tht. Just so i could feel something. I think I hurt her with my nails, I didn't mean too but she didn't stop or seem to want to. Then it ws just quiet and i laid there while she eventually fell asleep. I got up and went for a walk outside in the cold dark.
I don't fit anywhere.
And hanna and I dont seem to be heading anywhere either. She misuses her meds and is hyper. I'm not. I'm just nothing.
She hasnt conntacted me today. Thats ok.. what do i have to say?
|
|
| sweet little lies |
[06 Jun 2006|10:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
mixed emotion s |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
tell me lies - fleetwood mac |
] |
"If I could turn the page
In time then Id rearrange just a day or two
Close my, close my, close my eyes
But I couldnt find a way
So Ill settle for one day to believe in you
Tell me, tell me, tell me lies
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies"
Its cleared up. my feelings were mixed up.its not "inlove". i dont know what it is but thats unlike me so its really that way
|
|
| feelings |
[06 Jun 2006|08:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
bb in bckground |
] |
My feelings towards Hannah frighten me. I dont like getting attached.. its just uncomfortable because im not used to this. and the new me. and what i can handle. and if i am allowing myself to be TOO vulnerable. Should i step back a step.
[fuck off rachel let me have te minutes without you being around me]
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| mistakes |
[06 Jun 2006|06:53pm] |
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mood |
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 lonely around ppl |
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music |
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every me and every you - placebo |
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I feel like my life is one mistake after another. It's like this big mistake stepping stone into something bigger and worse. I snuck into Hannahs house lastnight with her. We didn't have sex i told her I didn't wat to. I did, i really did, but she thinks that all i want from her. So i whispered to her and stuff.
Her dad walked in and saw me in bed with her in the morning he's a pretty ok guy to me- dont know how he married someoe so... ugh. But i snuck out before her mom could even know i was there. Hannah dropped me off at the cliinc. I told them what i did with drugs expecting to get thrown out of the program. Instead they did blood test and I had to wait an hour then it showed they weren't completely out of my system so they made me sit with the psychiatrist while i was going through withdrawals. Question after Questions. They said that was the one and only mistake I can make on the system. I was left in a consultation room vomiting for what felt forever but was apparently only three hours. I was shaking when they were trying to take my blood again. They kept missing the vien and i was sobbing over nothing. My stomach and sides are aching from dry wreching. I eventually got methadone a little after 1pm. Feeling somewhat alright - I also have to have my weight monitored. Makes no sense to me. I dont even follow the kilogram weight system. 43kg? whatever. Which isn't right for someone 5"6'? As if i care about tht shit. Sorry bitter.. had a fight with Rachel, well it wasn't a fight but i laid down some rules since Maddy is coming home i two days - she got released but her mom made her stay at her place for a few days. She told me she told her mom she tried drugs that it went wrong and she ended up emergency. she blamed H' which is typical so hung up on her.
I set the rules with Rachel. One - It's only temporary and she had better be looking for accommadation somewhere else. but i wont kick her out onto the streets. Two - No drugs in the living room, kitchen, bathroom or shared area. Because I'm strugglig with the methadone clinic. Three - She disrespects Hannah she's out. Four - there is NO connection between us, Hannah is my girlfriend and if she cant respect it then she better hurry up finding new accommadation. Five - Rent at the start of the week. And she has her own shelf in the pantry. Six - No going through my stuff. Seven - we dont use the main phone its for incoming calls only hence mobiles. Eight - She cleans up after herself.
I wont kick her out but i hope she feels i will. I just cant make someone live out on the streets.
She was nice she smiled and made me dinner saying "i had to eat" addig "as sexy as you are, your toooooo thin." I told her i dont think its appropriate she say that stuff. She thinks im beig rediculous and she knows that the real me will emerge again. She helped dye my hair dark. She said she loves the new look. its edgy. I just shrugged, im just tryig to change..
I haven't heard from Hannah. I think she felt rejected about the no sex thing. BUt im tryig to show i have substance somewhere.. im more then just someone that has sex.
blah blah blah.
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| a quickie |
[06 Jun 2006|12:02am] |
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mood |
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 horney |
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music |
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black betty - spiderbait |
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I'm waiting for Hannah to turn off. I fucked up and took coke and i have to go to the methadone clinic tomorrow. I let everyone down. I just got angry at Rach, she misinterpreted my actions and pushed me against the wall trying to start something and i said "you cant do this. I wont do this, im inlove with someone else". it came out. i didnt mean inlove, i dont think i meant inlove.
Rach didn't seem to upset she said she knows it wont work and then she will be here to pick up the pieces, the same way she's been looking after me when Hannah hasnt or Maddy. She said her moods arn't erratic and she reaaaaaally feels a connection between us and that she knows i feel it too.
Its not like that. Yeah sexual attraction but at the same time not. Because if i have sexual feelings my mind heads straight to hannah. She thinks im just with her for sex.So im going to prove its not like that.. somehow...
I feel like im losing the plot
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| that american girl |
[04 Jun 2006|06:23pm] |
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mood |
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 down and out |
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music |
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Hang up your chick habit |
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According to Hannah's mom my name is that american girl Rachel walked with me to Hannahs a bit ago because i was a bit intoxicated. I still haven't said much. Her mommy dearest was about to let us in until she realised I was that american girljust with my new look. SHe stopped us then from entering. I said i wanted to see Hannah and she told me I was not welcome. So i asked why? And she said I was a disgrace, i was like dude you don't even know me. Slurring a little bit. And I still had on Maddy's high school skirt and my fav red shoes.. they are my lucky reds. Not so lucky this time. I said she was a rude lady shaking my finger exxagerated the way old people do. And she tried to shut the door and I put my foot in the way.. I wanted to see Hannah. Needless to say I didn't see her.
But one of the twins i dunno which told me to go home and I just stood there staring at her mommmy dearest for a bit then pretended to be all snotty like her mom and said "another time then my dear" and rachel pulled away and apologised to her mom but the door was slammed shut. I was going to try and find a way to climb drunkenly to hannahs 2nd story window but Rachel thought that was bad. So we;re back home, im freezing and she's making me more drinks.
Rachel keeps puts her fingers through my hair saying its sexy. I just feel like a fuck up. I tried to call overseas to my grandparents but got told off for not thinking about time difference.
shitty shitty shitty shitty !!!
I dont want to have a voice. back to mute it works in my favour.
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missy10943's journal
I am an abomination.